I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
