I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
