dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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