I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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