where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
