I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
