life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My first STD was from a foam party
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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