If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
