Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize