This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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