I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
