I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
