Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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