I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
