I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
