Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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