i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
