I think i peed on brittanys purse
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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