1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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