Need sex. Gaining weight.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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