Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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