Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I would ride that face into the sunset
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
