If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
