i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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