Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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