so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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