Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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