I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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