I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
