i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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