John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
