how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I think weed is turning my hair brown
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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