sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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