He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
