Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
