I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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