i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize