Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
