so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We're not piercing ourselves today.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
