the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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