Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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