I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
