Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
