i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
