im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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