Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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