I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize