i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
