guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
