Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
