Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
