I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
