the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
