And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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