So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize