On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize