Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
