I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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