If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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