I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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